Matt Hoffman does another of his hilarious critiques of cast

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Matt Hoffman does another of his hilarious critiques of cast

Post  Banjo on 2015-06-18, 16:49

"By now I’m sure you’ve all heard that Big Brother has jumped on the “what’s hot now” bandwagon broken new ground in equality and cast a transgender person for Season 17. That transgender person is Audrey, and she is the full package. Hmmm…poor choice of words…"

"I’m glad I watched the video interview and didn’t just go off a picture on this one, because I learned that Austin is actually not homeless, and he does appear to bathe on occasion."

"This is Becky Burgess. Becky Burgess is on Big Brother. Becky Burgess on Big Brother is boring and bonkers. (Dr. Seuss would have a field day with this) Becky describes herself as an “interesting girl” who has “done some pretty crazy things”, but then follows that up with nothing interesting nor crazy."

"Clay is this season’s token all-American good-looking alpha male…from his perfectly-groomed hair to his “just rugged enough” beard stubble to his awesome affection for denim button-up shirts that are typically only still in style amongst the lesbian community."

"Have you ever gone to a Xerox machine and made a copy of a copy of a copy? Jace is the physical embodiment of what happened after Grodner ran to the Big Brother Xerox machine and made a copy of the Hayden Voss copy of her original Hayden Moss. Next year Jace will get copied, and an actual feral animal will be a contestant."

"James is the character you have each season that you would most want to hang out with and have around to keep your sanity, but that (likely because of that very fact) has a pretty slim shot of winning the half-million. He describes himself as the “Hillbilly Asian”, and I actually really dig his personality."

"Jason certainly has a different type of strategy than we’ve seen in the past. He says he wants to be the “gay glue” in an all-girls alliance, wherein he eliminates all the strong men, leaving him to spend the summer giggling, pillow-fighting, doing makeovers, and talking about boys with his new female besties. "

"John claims to be a dentist. Either he is lying about that, or he’s been taking massive advantage of the limitless supply of nitrous oxide available at his disposal. I love John and could watch him talk all day. And, on that note, kudos to Big Brother for giving the mentally challenged a chance at $500,000 (although, looking back, I suppose this wouldn’t be the first time)."

"Let’s introduce you to another pre-jury boot. This is Liz. Liz is from Florida. We know this primarily because she spends half of her interview talking about it. Liz heard about Big Brother when she met Season 13’s Porsche Briggs on a boat (I can’t make this stuff up). Porsche saw something special in Liz and encouraged her to try out, so we can likely expect Liz to have that same dominating powerful gameplay that we saw out of…wait, who was that again? When asked why she thought she was selected to be on Big Brother, Liz tells us that it was because “you gotta represent Florida!”. Totally, Liz…totally."

"Meg’s bio sells herself as “boy crazy”, but that’s descriptive of a 13 year old girl. By age 25, she should’ve evolved from “boy crazy” into “generally slutty”, which is much more appropriate for Big Brother."

"In one of Big Brother’s bolder moves this season, they decided to really dig deep to grab the “oldest contestant” slot. With a cast full of mainly youthful 20-somethings, here comes the haggard, decrepit, 33-year-old Shelli to fill that house mom role. I mean, do people even live to 33 anymore these days? What is Big Brother doing casting such an aging outlier?! What a liability! What if Shelli were to slip and break her hip? Would someone at least notify her grandchildren? Poor rickety old Shelli. Great to see Big Brother promoting diversity in ageism, though."

"Virginal, hyper-intelligent, engineering student superfan from out East…sound familiar? It took me about halfway through this interview for me to realize that this is not Season 14 winner Ian Terry, back to defend his title. The copycat casting is definitely strong in this one, even down to the physical similarities. If you liked Ian, but would have rather seen him not win, then you’ll love Steve Moses."

"Vanessa is this season’s “person you may already know but probably don’t”. Three seasons ago, we met Willie Hantz – brother of Survivor villain Russell Hantz. Two seasons ago we met Jenn Arroyo – bassist in the Canadian alternative metal group Kitty. Last season we learned that Frankie Grande is the brother of pop sensation Ariana Grande. This season, Big Brother has stepped up their game and actually cast someone with their own accomplishments to hang on. Vanessa is a multi-million dollar winning professional poker player."

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